History | Ah, What a day

Returning to leave from work

Mon, 08 Feb 2021 00:00:00 +0000

While the title says a lot, there is a fairly good story to go with this.

While it was VERY apparent that I wasn’t able to be at work for me. I wasn’t able to convince my current doctor that I needed to be written back out. There was no reason for him not to write the note, as it would have saved a lot of hassle for me. Since he didn’t write the note, I spent the following 4 months answering questions, phone calls, and such explaining what kind of condition I was in.

After the doctor wouldn’t write me back to work, I was given the speech that was along the lines of “Get with the program or move on”. This was given to me by one of the therapists and the primary doctor at the IOP program. Needless to say, this upset me, because I didn’t understand what they looked for me to do, as I was doing the best I could.

Once everything was ‘sorted’ out from the returning/leaving work, I spent the following months just surviving. I don’t want to get on a soap box and start complaining about all of the stuff I went through. Let’s just say, I hope no one ever goes through that.

After Copestone and into IOP then back in the frying pan!

Sat, 09 Jan 2021 00:00:00 +0000

Well, the title says a lot….. Thinking back on the whole process, it was a blessing that I went from Copestone to IOP. IOP ended up giving me tools that I didn’t even know I needed, until they were talking about them. FYI : I will be pursuing getting some of most of the content from the IOP program I went through, into the school systems. Anyways, back to the topic at hand. A nice woman came and saw me a few times in Copestone, which was the boarding process to get into the IOP program. There were a few of us that were the first ones to go through the process, so they were still figuring a few things out with us. Over all, the IOP program was a good experience.

What is IOP? IOP stands for Intensive Outpatient Program. They are normally used for drug rehab and such, but it’s also used for mental issues as well, turns out. I started out doing 20 hours a week of therapy. I know, that doesn’t sound like a lot, but trust me, it’s a lot. It was EXHAUSTIVE, to say the least. There were so many people that was in and out of the program, a lot of them swear by it. The ONLY thing I wish would have happened in IOP. The DNA test to see what drugs works with my system. That didn’t happen until the first visit with my psychiatrist post IOP. What did we do in there? Well, we did a lot of talking about how we felt and other topics which were covered by the material.

During my IOP stent, I attempted to go back to work, which ended in a non- favorable way. To give some idea of what I do. I’m considered an Subject Matter Expert on one of the core Linux authentication systems for a financial institution. I have a lot of information and ideas thrown my way, and I throw them to my collogues as well. It’s a fairly high stress position, but it’s a very rewarding position. Anyways, the psychiatrist allowed me to go back to work while I was in the program. It was defined 1/2 days and I had to go to the program for monitoring. This didn’t last long nor end well, to say the least. All the information and people talking to me just overwhelmed me still. After about 4-8 hours of trying it, I told everyone I couldn’t do it. It took me about 2 weeks to get back to “normal” from trying just a few hours.

Luckily, everyone was involved understood that I wasn’t able to come back yet. With that happening, there were a series of phone calls, questionnaires, and dialogs about what I felt/feel. The understanding that my work has shown… is absolutely amazing.

What was Copestone like......

Sat, 12 Sep 2020 00:00:00 +0000

First of all, I’m glad I went into Copestone, it was what I needed at the time…….. With that being said, I will dive into the details….

When I was checking myself into Copestone, a mental ward in Mission Hospital, I went to the ER. I told them that I’m needing to be kept and my psychiatrist said that I was a danger to myself. This goes along with suicidal ideations, and this is something serious that needed immediate action. I remember when I was taken back, I was put in a small room. I’m thinking it was like a 5’x5' room, with a lot of stuff in it, and one seat. I was so anxious, I was pacing back and forth, uncontrollably. After about 20 minutes (or what I thought was 20 minutes), I made my way out the door of the hospital and called for a ride. About the time my ride was showing up, a nurse comes out and convinces me to come back in, just for a minute. I was promised I could come back out. When I made it back to the room, I had left, I was met with two security guards. At that point, I was stripped down and searched for weapons and objects, I was allowed to have my boxers, shorts (with no string), shirt, and socks. Everything else was taken from me. Then I was escorted to a holding area, that I was suppose to have a tele-health visit with a doctor to decide what to do with me.

I was pointed to a ‘room’ that was not much bigger than a full size bed, and the full size bed was in the room. The bed was secured to the floor with screws, there was no door, or any privacy screens. This amplified my anxiety to now, my chest felt like it was going to be crushed. I was pacing back and forth on the ‘hall’, until I got so tired I was staggering. I was able to lay down and get a little sleep. I was woken up in the middle of the night and given a laptop to do the tele-health visit. I don’t remember much about it, but I think she was a woman….

The following day, I was still doing the pacing, and the chest sensations hadn’t improved. I was taken to check my heart once, and then I was put on 6 North. I didn’t know it at the time, but there are several wards at Mission. When I arrived on 6 North, I was strip searched again for weapons or objects that could be used as weapons. By this time, I had been humiliated so much, I was angry, upset, and confused.

The first two days of 6 North was horrible for me. The room consisted of one bed, a bathroom, and a sink. There was no soap, no doors, no blinds, no handles, no drawers; it was as bare as you could get it. The bed was bolted to the floor. I was given a tooth brush and a mini-tube of toothpaste, it turned out to be a WWII style tooth brush. Something kinda like this this image ->

During the first two days, I constantly walked. I was so anxious, all I could do or think about doing is walking. There were several people that reached out to me when I first got on the floor. It was nice to have some people that welcomed me, that were patients as well. For the most part, people were rather independent, because we were dealing with their own issues. Anyways, during them checking on me, they found my heart rate was 150+, so they kept a close eye on me for several days. Along with the heart rate, my bladder wouldn’t work either. At some point, they told me that if I didn’t urinate in the next few hours, they will put a catheter in. I was eventually able to get my bladder relief. This was a huge relief, cause it is a painful procedure.

My last few days was still bad, but a cake walk compared to days 1 and 2. This allowed me to look around more, and get a better picture of where I ended up. To describe things a little more, the walls was mostly had nothing on them. The walls were painted an earthy brown. The ceiling was a drop ceiling, but it was different than most of the ones you would see. This setup had a screw at every joint, and the screws were security screws. Basically, anything and everything that could be used as a weapon, was removed or screwed down.

The entertainment we had was the occasional group and/or TV shows. With me being in Copestone during the COVID-19 pandemic, they made more regulations. Everyone had to have a mask on, and everyone ate in their rooms.

In the end, I have a new found respect for jail and prison.